


Fuck. Marry. Kill.

by starcrossedaus



Series: Sugar Daddy Universe [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 03:55:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16421948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcrossedaus/pseuds/starcrossedaus
Summary: "Kill. Kill. Fuck & marry.And that’s enough to send me to another dimension."





	Fuck. Marry. Kill.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys, we're back with a little treat for everyone that voted in favor of a Sekai thing~~ I'd just like to make it clear that you don't have to read this if you aren't interested in it, since this is unrelated to the AU and there are only mentions of Baekhyun.

I guess I always knew I’d become a fuck up.

It’s not that I have a particular reason to be this way, I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. I grew up surrounded by love and no resentment towards my biological parents and I still turned out to be a mess. 

There’s something about adrenaline that fuels me. Maybe it’s the fear behind it, the rush, the thrill of being on edge. Maybe it’s the uncertainty. I don’t know. I just happen to enjoy it. 

That’s probably what got me to this point, to where I don’t feel sorry for doing illegal things that others would consider a little too bad. I’m not afraid of the consequences either, and I guess that’s the worst part. 

The thing is, when you’re giving everyone the wrong name, when you create a character and take care of yourself well enough for nobody to know the real you, you’re okay with it all. What’s the point of being scared anyways? Nobody knows what my birth name is, nobody knows where my actual place is. I’m one hundred percent safe. 

But I guess I should start with the beginning. 

I was eleven the first time I went shoplifting. If you ask me if I had a good reason to do that… the answer would be  _ I don’t know.  _

I just did it. That’s the end of the story. And, in case you’re wondering, no, I didn’t get caught. 

Truth is I liked it right away, thriving off of the idea of being seen, of the mere possibility of someone realizing that there was a kid outsmarting everyone in the building. It was a little too fun for a kid that spent most of his time alone, right? Cheap entertainment. 

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a bad childhood and I wasn’t left to fend for myself at all. I  _ liked  _ being alone, and the people that took care of me showed me nothing but affection. The simple way to put it into words is saying I didn’t feel like being a “good boy,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. 

So, yes, it kept happening after that. 

By the time I was fifteen, I could trick anyone and outrun any officers. I knew where to hide or who to talk to. I found it far too exciting and made friends with other kids that did the same things I did. 

We were on top of our world and manipulated it to our liking, kings of a realm that did not exist for a few hours. Then we’d return to the people we called our families and pretend nothing happened, like we had a degree on lying and we could feed anyone our innocent stories. 

And then we were caught. 

I wasn’t doing the shoplifting at the time, it was someone else. But I was part of the group. An accessory.

Somehow, that was enough for the shop owners to press for something more than a verbal warning, and police officers ended up giving me, or Kim Jongin, however you want to call me, a real warning and calling the ward where I lived. Thankfully, that was all there was to that, and nobody forced me to attend meetings or get reformed in any way. Lucky me. 

It did scar me tho, and I stopped doing it for a while. And I lost track of the people I called friends. And I became the least trustworthy teenager at home. 

 

They let me go as soon as I turned nineteen without knowing that I was back on it. 

And I left. 

Having nobody to lie to made things a little easier. 

Shoplifting suddenly didn’t feel as thrilling, so extortion became my next big thing. 

You have to understand, I was in a position of power while being desperate for money to keep myself alive. I had to pay for a tiny, nasty apartment. I had to pay for food. I had to pay taxes and behave like an adult. I had to do things nobody ever prepared me for, and I really didn’t know how to do any of those things. 

All I knew and understood were illicit activities. 

And I know it’s not a good excuse, but I didn’t think I had a way out at the time. I did the best I could with what little I had. Judge me if you feel like it, but I can’t afford to regret it. 

 

It wasn’t until an year later that I discovered what sugaring was all about. 

Did it give me the same kind of excitement other things did? No. But it paid the bills. 

Well… It did more than just pay the bills. Suddenly, I had enough to get myself things I never had before, and other things were gifts from men and women that simply wanted my company.

I got my first laptop and a really good phone, A guy got me a bigger place and started paying my bills. I was given chances I never got before. I was invited to events where luxury beyond imagination stunned me every night. I was taken to places I would’ve never been to otherwise. I was cared for in financial ways, the only ways I truly cared about. 

I grew to love money and what it could do for people. I grew to understand that I was manipulating older people to get what I wanted, when I wanted it, and that they would play along for the sake of keeping me on my knees.

So I never got up. 

It was a better way out and I learnt to be happy with it. Jail was no longer waiting for me on the sad horizon of my future, I could be  _ free.  _

 

I’d ditched Kim Jongin a few months before we met. Mostly because I didn’t want to keep being a person with a criminal record, and I didn’t think anyone would ever ask for my real name unless they needed my bank account or they wanted to put my name on the papers of a new place. 

I didn’t feel like giving people a chance at digging for information on who I was or where I came from either, but, then again, sometimes it was necessary to give it up. 

Kim Jongin lived deep within myself, but I was no longer Kim Jongin. I was Kai, a pro at sugaring, someone that could handle several daddies and mommies, and could easily look past their gender. I only cared about their money anyways, what they wanted or who they wanted was beyond me. 

That’s when he showed up.

We met during an event, because,  _ surprise _ , he was a sugar baby as well. And, I’m not gonna lie, my first impression of him wasn’t exactly a good one. Too clingy, you know? Too cute. But weren’t we all playing the same part? 

Little did I know I’d end up spending the night with the guy. 

Our partners arranged it with us sitting next to them. One second we were going to end up our nights going our own ways, the next one we were being set up for a foursome and paid a lot more than we would have been otherwise. Neither of us could say no, and I can swear now that I saw Sehun’s eyes glimmer at the idea of more money. 

I sucked at paying attention at anything but him for the rest of the night. Something about the way he moved left me wonderstruck, and I ended up going to town with it. I didn’t even feel sorry for the other two people in the room, they could watch if they wanted to. 

And truth is I thought I’d never see the guy or talk to him again, but my life is a joke, and I ended up seeing him at the following event, and the one after, and the one after, and so on. 

We became friends because we  _ had  _ to, because if anyone could understand the situation we were in, it had to be one of us. 

In no time, I knew where Sehun came from and how he had no other choice but fall into this.  _ Same. _ I learnt he juggled his sugaring relationships and met with several people a week.  _ Same. _ I learnt he was alone and that he sold some of the stuff he got because sometimes allowances were not enough.  _ Same. _

We got to a point where I knew who Sehun was better than I knew myself. I could recite every detail about him that I’d committed to memory, and he could easily say that he knew who I was better than anyone did.

Sehun didn’t even care that he did not know my real name. He never asked either. What he cared about was what we could do together, how we could play our cards right and make this all worthwhile.

Our friendship flourished because of that, because there were a ton of little things we liked about each other, because we could move past our attraction for each other and do more. 

I can’t pinpoint the moment I started looking at him in a different way tho.

I guess there wasn’t exactly a moment for it to happen, it was an evolving thing that started the night we met, with that frustrated foursome that ended with him and I having an entirely better night than the other two people did. There really wasn’t a moment where I  _ started  _ seeing him as someone that could potentially be more than a friend, I was just  _ always  _ there. 

And, in very Kai fashion, I never talked about it with him, I just let things be. 

Soo and Baekhyun showed up soon after, although I don’t have much to say about them. 

They came from entirely different backgrounds, where they had other options to choose from and picked sugaring because it was the easiest one. They were an entirely different kind of people as well, the kind that could move on and do something else with their lives, but they just didn’t want to. 

I liked them from the very beginning, I’ll give them that. But I never related to them the way I did, and still do, to Sehun.

 

~♕~

 

_ Lee Jongsuk. Ji Changwook. Nam Joohyuk. _

That’s all the text says.

We started playing this game soon after we met, right in between our little fights and hot and cold behavior towards each other. It gave us a reason to talk and share information about who and what we liked, and it quickly became my favorite thing to do with Sehun. If we never stopped playing it’s because we both wanted to have something to tie us together, something that was so inherently  _ us _ that nobody else could replicate it, like our own little private joke but even better. 

I think we’ve gone through every possible name we could think of, to the point that we’re now repeating some we must’ve already done at some point. It’s okay tho, I don’t mind repeating some answers either. 

_ Fuck. Kill. Marry.  _

That’s all I send in return. 

I know for a fact he won’t reply, not just because he probably doesn’t have anything to say, but because he’s waiting. I’m supposed to send him my own version of _ fuck, marry, kill _ , because that’s how every conversation between us seems to start, at least when we’re out of the group chat with our friends. 

There are some names we never use on each other. It’s not that we forbid their use, but we wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for a decision when it comes to those names. It would be weird to have either one of us pick who to kill or marry from our sugaring partners, and we’ve fucked them all anyways. 

_ Bo. Soo. Me. _

I send right after, feeling bold about my choice. 

We promised not to use those names either, but that was before we started hooking up on the regular, before we fucked up, got drunk and had sex. And truth is we can’t even call it a fuck up anymore, because we’ve done it again and again, and we don’t seem to be getting tired of it. 

If I’m honest, I don’t really know what I expect Sehun to respond to that. I can see him saying he’d marry Bo, they seem to be incredibly close despite their differences. I can also see him saying he’d marry Soo, only because the guy wouldn’t ever question a thing Sehun does or says, because he’s just as loud as we are. But the greater part of myself, the hopeful one, can see him saying he’d marry me even though I know for a fact he’s most likely gonna say he’ll kill me, because that’s how our dynamics work. 

There are certain things we don’t talk about either. Hooking up being one of them. We tiptoe around the truth of the things we do like we’re scared of getting caught, and pretend we don’t remember the things we said in the heat of the moment. 

We’re not good for each other and I think we both know that. I wish we didn’t. 

_ Kill. Kill. Fuck & marry. _

And that’s enough to send me to another dimension. 

Fuck it, I think I’m touching the sky right now. It doesn’t matter if he fights me five minutes from now, because, right here, in this moment, I feel better than I have in a really long time. 

I could say nothing in return and play it cool, give Sehun time to give me three more names or make our conversation swerve and go in another direction. I could give him room to say something else, but, for once, I feel brave enough to respond right away and see what he does. 

_ Do it. _

I don’t really know what I expect from him again and I think that’s the worst part of it all. I’m used to Sehun fighting me, giving me reasons to want to punch him or kiss smirks off of his face. I’m used to feisty comments and random bursts of anger, to our aggressive jokes and fiercely taking care of each other. 

I’ve seen the worst and best of Sehun, and I still don’t know what to expect or how he’ll react to what I just sent. I’m a disaster. Or maybe that's just the problem of wanting your best friend. 

Sehun responds right away tho, and that helps put me at ease. It's a simple  _ and how do I do that?  _ text. No emojis, nothing but that. 

_ Come over.  _

We’ve played this game a dozen times or maybe even more. One of us will start talking and the other will shoot a quick  _ come over _ , and we’ll fall for it. Sometimes it’ll work, some other times one of us will have to say no. The majority of the time we still find a moment to be together, even if it’s half an hour, and then we’ll leave right after, like it never happened or mattered.

Because it doesn’t, because it  _ shouldn’t,  _ but the truth is that Sehun and I call ourselves friends but keep each other closer. And we seem to like it like that despite the confusion and pain it could cause.

Or that was what I used to think before we started hooking up, back when I wasn’t so damn confused. 

Now I’m not even sure I can handle what’s to come if Sehun does indeed show up at my door. I mean, he said he’d fuck me  _ and marry me.  _ Call me dreamy, but I think we’re getting somewhere and I’m ready to go there. 

The thing is, I don’t get a reply from Sehun, which I guess means he’s busy sugaring, which is fine by me the same way it’s been fine by him the countless times I had to be the one saying no. Neither of us are jealous people, we don’t mind seeing the people we sleep with hanging out with others. We’re not in a position to prevent the other from seeing someone else either, it’s our job, not a joke or something we can do without. 

If I’m honest, the only time I felt any kind of jealousy was when Sehun fell for one of his sugar daddies, a married man with two kids and a big house by the ocean. Sehun turned to mush next to the guy, I saw that with my own eyes and it felt like someone had just punched the air out of my lungs or forced me to stay under water for a little too long. He would speak of the guy with such affection and devotion, and I had to sit there and pretend I was happy with what I was hearing, when truth was I felt dead the whole time. The only reason why I kept that all to myself was because I didn’t want to hurt Sehun.

And then the guy hurt him by rejecting him.

And I’m not gonna go into detail, but I did to him what I do best, I hit where it hurt and took revenge for someone that felt powerless at the time. I set myself on fire to make Sehun feel better and I’d do it a thousand more times. That’s yet another thing I can’t regret doing. 

The response to my text comes half an hour later, when I hear someone knocking on the door. 

A soon as I open it up, Sehun walks in like it’s his place as well, and I let him. I close the door behind him, and by the time I’m turning around, Sehun’s hands are on the hem of his shirt and he’s pulling it all the way up and over his head, taking it off and tossing it aside. 

“God, at least make it seem like you enjoy spending time with me,” I tease, which makes Sehun smirk and approach me. 

It is safe to say I can’t remember whether I had anything else to say or not. The closer he gets, the less it matters. Tunnel vision never felt so good before. 

“Am I not here to do what I said I’d do with you?” Sehun replies, reaching out not to take my hand but to palm me through my clothes. 

Fuck me.  _ Marry me. _

_ Yes _ . 

It’s not an accomplishment and I know that, because the guy could be playing still and then I’d be fucked, both literally and figuratively. But a guy can dream and nobody can stop me from doing that anyways. 

“So you’re here to fuck me, huh?” I ask in return, tilting my head and smiling arrogantly at Sehun. 

“Pretty sure that’s what I said,” he chuckles. 

I love our bickering and bantering. It’s always lighthearted and we never mean it. We would never intentionally hurt each other with our words, so all we do is tease and laugh. Even when our friends think we’re taking it a little too far, we’re actually laughing at the things we say. 

“Then do it.” 

Needless to say, he gets the job done.

In no time, both of us are naked and quite turned on, and I’m the first to get down on my knees and take him into my mouth. And I’m not gonna lie and say I love the way he tastes because I don’t, because whoever says they love the way dicks taste is lying. What feels good about this isn’t the way the other person tastes, it’s the surge of pride that comes with making someone else come undone, and I truly have the time of my life when I make Sehun feel like that. 

I like the way he moans and keeps a hand on the back of my head. I like the way his hips jerk forward ever so slightly in an attempt to get more. I like the way he tells me to stop, the way his hand moves to my jaw and has me look up at him. I like the way he kisses me afterward and pushes me towards the nearest surface. 

There’s lube laying around in every room of this place. Sehun knows where to find it —this place is one he knows a little too well — and doesn’t waste a single second when it comes to lathering his fingers and mercilessly pushing them deep inside me. 

Soon enough, his fingers are replaced by his cock and everything speeds up. 

Sehun doesn’t like having this last too long and I know that, that’s why I never complain. I let him do whatever it is he feels like doing and we’re done in a matter of minutes. He just wants to get it out of his system and so do I, so why would I complain? 

When it’s done and we’re laying in bed breathing heavily, I find myself smiling at him, bringing a hand up to brush his cheek with my fingertips. 

“What about the second part?” I breathlessly ask just because I can, because I should probably take advantage of Sehun’s blissed out mood.

“What second part?” the guy asks in return, and I suddenly realize that I might as well have dug my own grave. “The marriage one?” 

I nod in response. I don’t want to say it out loud, a little too afraid of the reaction I might get, even though I know I should, because I’m already a little in too deep and it doesn’t matter what I do anymore. 

“That was a joke,” Sehun replies and my smile falters. He reads me like an open book and his hand envelops mine and pulls it away from his face. “You’re kidding- You’re not serious.”

I don’t know how to tell him that, no, I wasn’t kidding. I want this, I shouldn’t have to tell him that I don’t, I’m tired of lying and pretending I want to be his friend and nothing more. 

“Stop it,” is the next thing out of Sehun’s mouth before he starts laughing. I don’t know what he could possibly be laughing about. “It’s not a funny joke.” 

And I could swear I can hear my own heart shattering and breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. I can’t laugh or say anything in return, I just stare at him blankly while he laughs. I see the moment it hits him and how his laughter dies. He’s left not even smiling and I can tell what he’s about to say before he opens his mouth.

“I think I should go.” 

There is a moment, after he says those words, where I can hear myself pleading for him to stay and talk about this, although I’m not willing to play along and say it was a joke or that I don’t feel the things I feel. But, once that moment is over, Sehun’s already dressed up when I’m only halfway through putting my shirt back on.

He leaves without saying a word. He leaves just like he came in, without a greeting or anything at all, like this was pure business and he’s done. He leaves and I just stare at the door.

 

~♕~

 

I’m nothing like Soo and Bo. 

Bo’s capable of flipping the switch and cease to exist to whoever hurts him. He’ll stop talking to them altogether and disappear. He’ll leave you wondering what it is that you did to him or why he’s so mad at you. His anger is silent and wears off with time, and it is only then that he will give people a second chance. 

Soo’s anger is only comparable to wildfire, it spreads and burns everything in its wake. His fire burns brighter at times like this and he becomes ruthless and incredibly scary. If there is one person in the world I hope I never cross, it’s Soo. 

My anger is on an entirely different level. I burn like ice, cold and ever present, to the point where you can only grow numb. And when I’m done with you, there’s nothing but a memory of what warmth felt like. 

That’s the person Sehun’s getting a lot of lately. 

It’s been a few weeks and I’m still not over the pain his words caused, and because our friends know nothing about it, I have to play it cool around them. But when it comes to just us? He gets nothing from me. 

I don’t necessarily ignore him, but I’m not kind either. Our  _ fuck, marry, kill  _ game is the one thing I made a point to ignore and never talk about. We don’t sleep together anymore either, not that we did any  _ sleeping _ before that, and I think we’re better off this way. 

We ruined our friendship and now there’s no going back. We can either accept it and move on or try our best to fix this, but neither of us are making an effort towards anything. 

I know I’m not exactly on the wrong here either, I have good reasons to be upset. I’m not the one that left Sehun wondering after fucking him. I’m not the one that laughed at him thinking his feelings were a joke. So, technically, I shouldn’t be the one making a move, it should be Sehun. But he doesn’t care half as much as I thought he did. 

“You’re gonna have to talk to him,” Boxian says. He’s going by Baekhyun a lot more now that he’s in a relationship, but I have yet to get used to it.

Why he feels the need to get involved in this is beyond me. How he knows about it is beyond me as well, since I’m pretty sure Sehun wouldn’t open his mouth about this at all. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie with a smile. 

I’m a pro at pretending everything’s fine, feeding people these lies never failed me. The problem’s Bo’s always been quite good at seeing things others don’t. He sees right through my bullshit.

“I’m not stupid, I can see that you two are avoiding each other,” Bo sighs in return. “I don’t know what happened, but it’s never been like this, I mean, you seemed to be getting along just fine.” 

My biggest wish right now is to be swollen by the earth and avoid having this conversation. It’s not something I should talk about with anyone but Sehun, considering he’s the guy I’ve been hooking up with. And I do want to do that, except… except if I did, I’d sound like I’m begging for him to take me back when that’s not the case. 

This is all in Sehun’s hands now. 

“And I need him to stop calling me when I’m mid sex at one AM,” Boxian adds with a cheeky smile, tilting his head and nudging me on the shoulder. 

I don’t love knowing Sehun’s seeking some sort of support or entertainment in our other friends because I’m just not there to pick up the phone for him. I know we handle things differently, but nobody else should be dragged into the mess he created, so a part of me can’t help but feel bad for Boxian. 

“Maybe you should tell him to do the talking.” I have nothing left to say. 

 

~♕~

 

It’s been a month and I’m starting to wonder whether Sehun thought I wanted him to marry me for real instead of just giving me a chance. 

I mean, why else would he distance himself from me so badly otherwise? 

We could’ve salvaged it if he just took it as  _ Kai wants to date me and I said no _ , but we’re far beyond the point of no return now. We can’t fix this. 

Is it my fault? I’m starting to think it is. 

I started it, I told him to come over and do what he said he wanted to do with me. I was the one telling him I wanted more than a quick fuck. I was the one that failed to back down and laugh along. I was the one that didn’t want to keep pretending. 

Now we sit in front of each other and say nothing, and I can tell we’re both stealing glances at the other. I hate that. 

I hate staring at him longingly, wishing we could at least go back to being friends. I miss the fights and the jokes. I miss going on sugaring dates and talking to him on the way home, promising each other that we’d save up and go somewhere together. I miss our late night conversations about nothing, all of our secrets. I miss him. 

I know he misses me, too, and I wish I wasn’t so mad at him. But I can’t help it. 

He broke my heart and walked away like it was nothing, like it didn’t matter. He left me to bleed out and die, tried to act like it never happened. This isn’t on me, no matter how often I’m starting to think it might be my fault. 

Our friends don’t even know how to act around us anymore either. 

Soo and Bo refuse to leave each other alone with us, afraid the silence will kill them. They try their hardest to get us to talk to each other like we used to. They try to bring back our bickering and bantering, the constant teasing. 

Nothing works. 

I’m sure he’s caught me staring at him more than once, just like I’ve caught him countless others. I wish I could read his mind or see myself through his eyes, because that way I would, at least, understand what it is he’s thinking about me. 

Does he regret it all? Does he wish things were different like I do? Or does he feel better off this way? 

Living in ignorance sucks. 

 

~♕~

 

By the six week mark we stare at each other more than we have ever done before. 

It doesn’t matter where we are, we could be on opposite corners of a room but we’ll always find each other. And it hurts. 

Sometimes we’ll be talking to other people and our eyes will still meet. We then become unable to look away and keep staring for long enough to feel awkward. It doesn’t ever end with us talking or telling each other a single thing. It doesn’t end the way it starts either, we grow uncomfortable as time passes by, like it’s all getting a little too heavy and there’s no way out. 

I’ve wanted to talk to him, but I’ve stopped myself before I could get any closer to him. I don’t want to be hurt again, even though I’m already hurting a lot and nothing seems to soothe me anymore. It’s not my place to do so either, I’ve done nothing wrong and I don’t want to beg.

So we just stare. And we’re not subtle about it either. 

 

~♕~

 

One night we happened to coincidentally be at the same event and Sehun approached me halfway through our time there. He felt out of place and so did I, and we ended up sticking together for a little too long. I told myself it was survival, but I’m starting to think it was actually the break we were waiting for, the perfect moment to try and fix things or, at the very least, make the whole situation weigh a little less. 

That was the beginning of the end. 

Our stares became a common occurrence for us after that, with each of them becoming a little more all consuming than the one before. We’d find each other staring and hold on to it for a while, as if we could convey emotions and longing through them. I’m sure he mentally undressed me more than once, and I know for a fact I did the same to him. 

It’s been two months. 

I want him and I’m not about to pretend I don’t. It may be toxic and hurt me in the end, but I would take this over the silence. Fuck that idea that words are harmful, at least they make me feel something and kill me a little less than the freaking silent treatment we’ve been giving each other. 

It’s while I’m busy thinking about this again that I hear someone knocking on my door, and since I can’t remember telling anyone to come over, I instantly guess it has to be a present being delivered to my door. I won’t ever say no to presents, everyone knows that. 

But I end up opening the door to Sehun. 

I hate admitting this, but I’m happy to see him. 

“Sehun, what do you want?” I ask as soon as I see him, unmoving, giving him no room to walk in. 

I’m still mad at him. Maybe mad isn’t the word. I’m  _ hurt _ . 

The ugly truth is that I can’t really be mad at him, which is the most upsetting part. I don’t want to be mad at him, so I’m not. 

That doesn’t change the fact that he hurt me and that, to this day, I’m still hurting. I’m pretty sure it would have hurt a lot less to have my heart ripped out of my chest and stomped on. At least that way I wouldn’t have had to see him whenever our friends wanted to meet up, I wouldn’t have had to hear about him. 

And I don’t know what to expect from him now, just like I never knew what to expect before. He could easily just want to talk this out and fix things or he could be here to tell me to grow up and we’ll fight and officially put an end to our friendship or whatever is left of it. 

He’s a complicated equation with more than one x involved, but he doesn’t need to be solved. I’ve always liked that about him, but it’s in moments like this where I wish I had a solution for the problem. 

“You.” 

That’s all he has to say for my heart to skip a beat. 

I don’t know how things escalate out of control after that. One moment he’s standing there in front of me, staring at me with the saddest puppy eyes I’ve ever seen, and the next one he’s taking a long step forward, setting both hands on my face and kissing me. 

And I wish I could say I react by kissing him back and wrapping my arms around him, but I whimper instead and stumble back. And Sehun follows. 

Sehun is here. For me. He didn’t show up at my door to talk about the weather, he’s here for me, whatever that means. 

We could try and find a way to fix it. We could talk about it now, but I don’t think either of us want to do that right now. If anything, talking would only make us delay the one thing we know will end up happening either way. Yeah, we can talk later. 

I come back to my senses a split second later, so it’s me the one to initiate the following kiss, and, this time around, I don’t fail or hesitate. My hands land on his waist and I pull him closer. I bite and touch and do whatever the hell I want, momentarily forgetting the open door behind him or the fact that anyone could walk by. 

I just focus on Sehun and the fact that he’s there. 

Things quickly get out of control after that. 

I manage to kick the door closed before my hands are clawing at Sehun’s shirt, bunching and pushing it all the way up and off of him. My fingertips explore every inch of his torso, as if I needed a reminder of how soft his skin is or how hard every muscle in his body is. 

Not to be a poetic little shit, but I could write novels about how perfect I find this guy to be. 

I don’t know how we make it to my bedroom. All I know is that we make it there completely naked, and I don’t even remember Sehun kicking his shoes off or where my whole outfit ended up. Honestly, for all I care, it could be hanging from a ceiling lamp. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not letting him fuck me this time around. I’m not gonna let him play the game where he gets to take from me everything he wants and then leave. If he wants to hook up and leave, we’re gonna have to get to a middle ground where we’re equals. 

I make my intentions clear right away, just for the sake of making sure we’re on the same page, and Sehun never complains. If anything, he spurs me on. 

He lets me touch, kiss, lick and do whatever else I want to do. Everything I do are things I already know he likes and enjoys, and Sehun lets me know I’m doing fine by whispering little nothings and letting out soft sounds.

He becomes pliable under my hands, willing to let me take full control over him.

God, how I missed this man. 

We take our time with each other because, for once, we have all the time in the world. We repeat each other’s names like a mantra and make sure all we can feel is pleasure. 

I’m one hundred percent focused on Sehun, on the noises he makes and the way he grips me tighter as we go. I enjoy hearing him moan at particular snaps of my hips, and take pleasure in marking his neck with my mouth. I draw every moment out just for the sake of making him feel good and leaving him spent. 

And I’m a fool for believing we’ll talk when this is over, because as soon as it’s done, Sehun just lays there, eyes closed, hazily smiling at himself. Silent. 

It’s better than seeing him go, I remind myself of this, but the nothing between us still haunts me like a ghost and I end up laying on my side, right next to him, with an arm draped over his still body.

And ten minutes later I’m sure he’s fallen asleep. 

His chest rises and falls at an even rhythm and he’s not looking my way anymore. He can’t possibly be awake, I tell myself, because he looks like he’s at peace and doesn’t even care that my arm’s still around him and that we have yet to address what’s happening between us. 

I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared this might be the very last time I get to be this close to him. For all I know, he might wake up and leave me again, and then I’d really feel like an idiot for letting him in, even though at the time, it was all I wanted. 

Absentmindedly, and thinking I’m the only conscious one in the room, I begin tracing over Sehun’s back with my index finger. 

_ I love you. _

If I can’t say it out loud, at the very least, I can leave it written on his skin like that and rest assured that no matter what happens, I still tried my best. At least I had tonight with him.

“I know,” Sehun whispers in return. 

I freeze on the spot, unable to bring myself to say anything or wrap my head around what’s happening. I know Sehun’s talking about what I just traced on his back, but I can’t quite understand why he’s acknowledging it when he completely avoided it the last time we came close to this. I also know I should say something, but I can’t do it.

I just stare down at him in silence, with my eyes fixated on a random freckle on his back. My hand no longer moves, balled up into a fist and hovering right over his skin. I wait. 

Sehun moves slowly, lifting himself up only slightly in order to look at me. 

His back bumps into my hand and absentmindedly pull it back as quickly as I can. And, even then, I can’t bring myself to say anything in return, not even to repeat the three words I’ve already silently told him. 

“I think I’ve known for a while,” Sehun breathes out, and my heart skips yet another beat. “I’m sorry.” 

I don’t really know what to say, and for a moment there I stay mute, trying to gather my thoughts on the matter before opening my mouth. 

“If you knew then why did you leave that night? Why did you act like it never happened and then distanced yourself from me?” is what I force myself to ask, swallowing hard the lump on my throat. “You knew I was hurting.” 

It’s in this moment that it hits me that a part of my is indeed mad at him. I convinced myself that I was only hurt so much that I believed it, to the point that I forgot what it felt like to be mad at Sehun, even when I knew I had a reason to be feeling that way. 

There are questions that need answers, and I’m not like Boxian, too afraid to ask them because the answers might hurt me. I  _ want  _ answers, I  _ need  _ to understand.

“I was scared,” Sehun starts, no longer smiling. He has that very Sehun expression: expressionless, unreadable. “I didn’t want to ruin us and I thought we’d both move on from it for the time being. Then I realized you weren’t there for me anymore.” 

It’s no excuse, I think we both know that, so I wait for him to explicitly tell me I have every right to be pissed. He can’t possibly justify the eight weeks of nothing he’s put us through by simply saying  _ I was scared.  _ I’d hate it if that was all he had to say about what happened between us because it surely didn’t feel that simple to me. 

“You knew I was hurting,” I repeat like a broken record.

“Yeah,” Sehun softly brings out, nodding his head slowly. “And I know it’s not that good of a reason for me to do so, but I didn’t know how to talk to you after it happened. What could I do? Tell you I wanted to try to be with you? After leaving you? You would’ve hated me.”

For some reason, I find myself smiling at that, because he’s right, I would’ve told him to leave me alone if he ever said that after leaving me like that. I would’ve deemed it impossible and a product of his remorse, nothing real. 

“What makes you think I believe you’re sorry now?” I shoot back, no longer smiling and glaring at him once more. I’m sure he can sense the edge to my tone, the way the words are meant to harm him.

That’s all I’ve done for the longest time, not just with him but with the rest of the world. I could turn any sentence or word into a weapon at the right time, just for the sake of building some sort of a shell around myself and stay safe. The problem is Sehun knows that about me, my words can no longer hurt him. 

“That’s the thing, I don’t think you do,” Sehun says in the same soft tone, impassive, a little too calm. None of this sounds calculated tho, that’s what makes my confidence falter and shake. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

“But you did.” I pretty much cut him off, but I don’t feel guilty at all.

“But I did,” he concedes in return. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize I wanted you back. I’m sorry I ran away. At the time, I didn’t know how to react to you telling me you wanted more than what we had. You were my best friend, I didn’t want to lose you by telling you I wanted you back and seeing things die between us. But I think you knew I wanted you back, you wouldn’t have pushed for more otherwise.” 

This is it, I think. I’m sure I can’t take any more of this, but instead of having the chance of getting up and leaving, I’m in my own place, I literally can’t run away. 

I’ve always known we could never be good for each other, but the more I hear him say he didn’t want to lose me, the more I feel like we  _ could have been. _ I hate this. This all feels like closure and I didn’t know how much I was dreading it until now. 

I don’t know how to go on, a little too torn in between telling him I want him nonetheless, and telling him it’s over. And in the end, I end up rolling over, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling in silence, giving Sehun free reign to take this in whatever direction he pleases. 

“I know I don’t deserve it,” Sehun goes on. I hear him loud and clear, I feel him staring at the side of my face that is currently facing him. “But if you ever find it in yourself to give me a second chance, just know I’ll be right here.”

Silence weighs heavy on us after he says that.

My mind’s a mess and I can’t quite get to the point of wanting to say anything at all. I know he’s waiting for an answer, for me to throw anything at him. I know he wants me to tell him we’ll be okay, but I’m not even sure I believe that myself anymore.

We’ve crossed every possible line. How can we possibly come back from this? 

“I don’t get it.” I mumble, breaking the ice. “I don’t get it.” 

That’s when Sehun lifts himself up for real and sits on my bed, looking down at me. And, if I’m honest, I’m quite sure he’s about to leave. 

Except he doesn’t. He just sits there and waits for me to say something,  _ anything, _ and I say nothing. 

“I love you, too, you idiot,” Sehun finally says. 

Stabbing me would’ve hurt way less. 

“You’ve been staring at me for weeks waiting for me to say it, there you go, I love you,” Sehun repeats, adding to the idea of what he originally said. Of what I traced on his back. “I fucked up,  _ badly, _ as usual, and you have every right to be mad at me forever, but if I’m not wrong, you just wrote  _ I love you  _ on my back, and now I’m telling you out loud that I feel the same way. What are we gonna do about it now?”

I’m smiling, more to myself than at him, and still staring at the ceiling for no reason. 

It’s just funny, I think, that it’s so easy for him to say it, to be so direct about it and make sure there is no room for doubt. It’s also kind of cute, maybe, that he’s not looking for me to forgive and forget, he just wants another chance, and if it comes with feelings then all the better. 

He also leaves me with a question, an open door.  _ What are we gonna do about it? _

For starters, I want to kiss him again, but not as lustfully as before. I want to kiss him like I’ve been starving for him for a little too long —which I have—, that the crumbs I’ve been feeding off of for two months have driven me crazy and all I can take now are kisses like that. 

“I’m still mad at you,” I bring out through my smile, finally staring back at him. 

I love how stupidly dark his eyes are. 

“Cool…” Sehun trails off in response. “I can live with mad. Pretty sure I can make it up to you for that.”

“I still hurt for two months tho,” I point out, somehow sensing us sliding back into our regular bickering and bantering. 

I love how stupidly deep his voice is.

“If you let me, I’ll have longer than that to make sure you never hurt again,” he challenges me, now smiling as well.

I want to laugh at him, at  _ us, _ but all I can do is smile and say nothing for a little too long. 

He wants me, and I want him, and suddenly all of that time we spent playing cat and mouse no longer matters. We’re here and we’re ready to fall, unafraid to jump into the unknown. 

Fear has no place in here. 

We’ve beat the odds.

“Are you still afraid?” I ask just for the sake of getting him to tell me how he feels. 

“Yeah,” he admits in a sigh. “But I’d rather be scared with you than without you.” 

“So what are we gonna do about it?” I ask right away, turning his question against him.

“We’re gonna try.” 

 

~♕~

 

Sehun’s last sugaring date for the weekend was on early sunday. 

He had some sort of event the night before and ended up spending the night with one or several sugar daddies. He texted me at three AM:  _ Lee Sungkyung. Yoo Inna. Park Seojoon.  _ So I guess it’s safe to say it was one hell of a boring night.

As for me, my last date was on friday. I called Sehun half an hour after getting home just to tell him that I somehow managed to get that tool of a sugar daddy to get me Valentino shoes I totally didn’t need. We laughed long enough for our cheeks to hurt, and ended up falling asleep while still on the phone. 

We meet late that sunday, when the sun’s already set and the spring weather is nice enough for us to go out without getting cold. We hold hands and alternate who’s holding on tightly and who’s squeezing and releasing as some sort of game. 

And I think that’s the best way to describe our relationship: when one of us sees the other failing to hold on tightly, the other does it for them. Every day with him is an uphill battle. We’re not perfect for each other and we will never be, but we try to be the best people we can. 

He understands me like nobody else can, and I try to understand him as well. We laugh at our sugaring partners and think of ourselves like Bonnie and Clyde: we take the money and go. We’ve reached a point where Sehun knows not just my name but the things I’ve done and could still do. He accepts me for all I am and all I’m not. And we’re happy, that’s the best part of it all. 

“Bo. Soo. Me.” Sehun says after we’ve been walking for a while.

There’s still people walking around this park just like us, but nobody pays us attention, we’re left alone, in a way, to do as we please. It doesn’t matter if we’re stared at, I’d still hold Sehun’s hand or randomly nudge into him just to hear him laugh. 

“Kill, he’s too noisy and thinks he’s funny with the eight hundred memes,” I start off, staring at Sehun, who I can confidently call  _ boyfriend _ now, and smile. “I’d kill Soo as well, you know? But it wouldn’t be as brutal as Bo, or he’d come back from the pits of hell and haunt me.” 

I let silence fall between us on purpose after that. And Sehun notices that and nudges me on the arm, just like I’ve done to him many times before.

“You’re not done yet,” he points out, eliciting a quick response from me. I stare at him with a raised eyebrow and let out a soft  _ huh?, _ feigning ignorance. “What about me?” he insists. 

“Hmm…” I trail off in a deep breath. 

I pull from his hand after coming to a stop. Standing in the middle of the way and tugging from him so that he’ll turn around and stand in front of me. My free hand then lands on his waist and I momentarily bite my lip. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I start repeating, inching closer and closer to him while smiling. He takes the hint and starts smiling as well. “And then, one day, if you want to, marry.” 

And, then, in between the kisses that follow my words, right against my mouth, I can hear him loud and clear: “ _ Yes.” _


End file.
